Using all the muscles but the one that counts

Wide open windows

2008-07-27T17:08:50Z

My orientation is the day after tomorrow.

Wake up at 6:00AM. Leave the house at 7:00AM. Bus leaves at 8:30AM. I have to be there at 10:00AM.

Ethan made me feel better yesterday. I'm glad it happened. I am hungry.

Orientation is on Tuesday.

2008-07-26T18:02:22Z

I have a new old friend. He is good to me. I know that I can talk to him and get this off my chest. I know that I can lay with him and watch a movie and eat oranges. I know that I can get away for a little while with him, even if it's not really away. I can relax with him, and that is good. I regret that I left him, and I regret that I lied to him. I don't know what's going to happen in the future.

Both of my friends are safe. I feel like a different person. Exhausted, lethargic, and unhappy.

silverdecade @ 2008-07-25T02:27:00

2008-07-25T06:28:32Z

Wake up. Your life has just significantly, and severely, changed. This is to you, Margot. Wake up.

I hope I never figure out who broke your heart.

2008-07-23T16:11:34Z

I read something about some girl who did it for the first time at 15. She said that it opened the door to hell. I think I'll pass on that door, but it feels like a tide pulling in at a 6:00PM, tripping on acid on Coney Island Beach. Thank goodness I know how to swim, and I know how to swim well enough to get me out of the water. I'm still fighting with myself, trying to figure out if I want to do it. Where is my money going? I could buy an Ipod, or a pair of Birkenstocks. Instead, I go and buy another gram. I don't know. Fuck it.

The ships are multiplying day after day sir,
And theyre coming close to the shore sir,
We need to evacuate the light post.

What's gonna happen today, really?

Cheap eats

2008-07-22T22:56:36Z

Every day that passes is a worse situation with my mother. It's only one month.

We should record this and put it on a CD

2008-07-22T05:51:41Z

I keep having great days. These past several days have just been absolutely fantastic. Chilling with mad people, hanging out in different places, bringing different groups of friends together. This summer is exactly what I had in mind for myself. Chilling, being free, being young, being crazy, experiencing, living. I love it, I really do.

Nothing is going to go wrong. I have one month and I don't even care.

Also, Sirenfest rocked. I can finally cross off "See Broken Social Scene live" from the list of things I definitely need to do in life.

You already know what it is!

2008-07-21T05:32:31Z

Ben Shweky is back. :D
August is going to be wild, but hopefully much less wild than July. July was nuts.

I am sick of losing weight.

2008-07-19T15:22:02Z

Move into dorm: 32 days.
How much is my life going to change? I wonder, will everything be different? How will I change? How will the environment influence who I am going to become? There is still all of August, waiting for me to experience it. All of August to make friends, and experiences, and money to be spent on silly things like sushi and light.

Trouble.
Today is Sirenfest and Vanessa is getting her nose pierced. Cute. I need to get this piercing already. I can wait. I'll wait.

I am patient and impatient. August is coming towards me.

Steely Dan

2008-07-18T19:03:25Z

My birthday was awesome.
Tripped acid with Ethan and Vanessa, went to see The Dark Knight at midnight, which was SO UNBELIEVABLY BADASS! It was absolutely nuts. The movie was fantastic, and life was good. Peace, youth.

There's only about a month left. I can't believe that it has come down to this.

I fell asleep beneath the flowers for a couple of hours.

2008-07-17T05:55:55Z

I can't do this anymore. I have to calm down.
Self: Please, please calm down. This shitty feeling is none to have on the eve of your birthday. Please.

I drag it out for too long.

2008-07-16T14:54:46Z

I need to buy a mouse for my laptop, and Gathering of the Vibes is mad soon. August 1st-3rd. I would like to go, but am unsure if I can since the last day of orientation is the 31st, and that's when everyone is leaving. Who knows? Maybe I will go. Maybe I won't. Either is fine, I'm sure.

Life is good. Life is full of shit that no-one should be doing, that everyone should be doing. It's still morning, and I have to make a lot of phone calls today. I hate that. I am nervous, hopeful, and excited. These next two weeks, I will have to prove myself. Hopefully, I can make it. July 29th, here I come.

Break through!

2008-07-15T17:06:04Z

Today is going to be silly. I don't think I want today to happen. I have so many things that I need to do today, so many places I need to go to, and I don't have a metrocard for any of them. I think I should walk, but it's so terribly far. I'd like to skip over today and tomorrow, and go straight to Thursday. Thursday, friends, and LSD. Life and love and patience. I smoke a bowl and pour a cup of tea. My mother is never around anymore. I barely see her.

I just got a new laptop: Dell Inspiron 1526. It is beautiful and I appreciate it. I am going to download Spore on it right away.

Anyway, "Free Speech is the right to yell 'Theater!' in a crowded fire."
-Abbie Hoffman

This is ourselves under pressure

2008-07-14T15:22:57Z

Eleven.
I can't do eleven. I'm gonna do three. I don't want him to do five because he will definitely vomit. I just want us all to be on the same page, really. Even if it is happening inside, it doesn't matter. I would be happy sitting on the couch, chilling with my thoughts, and possibly a sketchbook. Definitely a sketchbook.

I saw that little judge commence to look about

2008-07-13T13:39:40Z

Oh, Jesus.

I really do surprise myself. It's amazing how much toil and poison one person's body can ingest and live through. Every time I see the morning in this comedown state, I want to thank the heavens that I am seeing the morning.

The perfect time for me to quit drinking, it's like a sign.

2008-07-10T14:40:49Z

In Tokyo in the Meiji era there lived two prominent teachers of opposite characteristics. One, Unsho, an instructor in Shingon, kept Buddha's precepts scrupulously. He never drank intoxicants, nor did he eat after eleven o'clock in the morning. The other teacher, Tanzan, a professor of philosophy at the Imperial University, never observed the precepts. Whenever he felt like eating, he ate, and when he felt like sleeping in the daytime he slept.

One day Unsho visited Tanzan, who was drinking wine at the time, not even a drop of which is suppposed to touch the tongue of a Buddhist.

"Hello, brother," Tanzan greeted him. "Won't you have a drink?"

"I never drink!" exclaimed Unsho solemnly.

"One who does not drink is not even human," said Tanzan.

"Do you mean to call me inhuman just because I do not indulge in intoxicating liquids!" exclaimed Unsho in anger. "Then if I am not human, what am I?"

"A Buddha," answered Tanzan.

In New Paltz I'll try to expand on my Buddhism. I'd actually love to take a couple of classes, if they have any, on Eastern religions. I just meditated, and I feel as if when your hands are open, you are more open to receiving the world.

Cold water bottles from the fridge are so nice.

2008-07-10T05:11:57Z

Wired wired wired.
I am so unbearably wired all the time.
Wired wired.
Crazy business going on.

That was the best poem I will ever write. I wish there were more people online this late. It's actually not even that late at all. There's just no-one online. I hate when that happens. Whatever.

My heart is beating. I can feel it. I can feel it there, in it's place. Just beating. Pumping my blood, beating beating beating. What a cool organ. I feel like I have so much to write about, but it's not being put down. I can't get my thoughts organized, I have so much on my mind. Oh my gosh. Kevin was crazy to split that whole thing with me. I'm glad he did though. It was just a lot. The thing is, that in reality, it wasn't a lot at all. It just seemed like...wow.

I'm everywhere.
I feel like today was the shortest day ever, but I did so much so it was kind of slow because I was able to fit in all of that stuff. Tomorrow/today is Thursday already. Time is just whizzing by like a cheetah. Simile!

Too much.

My feet are constantly dirty from climbing up hills

2008-07-07T15:04:50Z

I didn't care much for that night, and now I don't care much for Kevin. I am surprised and angry. Therefore, I should let it go because things like that shouldn't matter. I don't want to think about it, and I don't want to replay it in my mind. I actually just can't believe it happened. The point is that sometimes people aren't what you think they are, even if it's hard to control themselves.

Simply and honestly, I hate being so impatient. I want to get to my dorm room already so I can start on this new adventure instead of being haunted by old ones. I want to get there so I can learn and grow and thrive with people who are new to me, who will become dear to me. I want to get out of this place which is making me rip my hair out, and I feel as if that has been the mantra of my life for the past three or four years. Live in order to get out. Live for 44 days. Why is this so necessary? Why can't I be content? Jesus.

Whatever.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewere, would much rather you weren't doing.
--Terry Pratchett

On that note, I upped my gauge to a 4 today. However, it's really hard getting the rubber band on the other side. I know I'll be slaving over that for the next hour or so.

Salvadore Dali loved magic mushrooms.

2008-07-04T16:07:31Z

The Mermaid
by T.S. Eliot

I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

It's very very hot. Happy Independence Day.

Inferno::Canto I

2008-07-03T14:56:09Z

Yesterday Spencer said that I was the nicest person he knows. I had such a burst of happiness in that moment, I felt as if my heart grew an inch.

Orientation in 25 days and I still haven't found a job, Jesus.

Also, http://flashificator.com/1/BlueMoon/Buffet/Buffet.html
I'm going to buy a bathing suit today and in the meantime dropping something off for my friend. How is this going to work? Who knows really?

Mozilla add-ons

2008-07-02T15:12:43Z

I think we'll take a positive and active role in determining the direction technology goes in, not just sit on the beach and have machines serve us martinis.
-Marvin Minsky

I'm doing too many crazy things. My body is going to suffer very soon, and that scares me. I want to go clean for a while, at least a month to see how it goes. However, I've already made a date to candyflip next weekend. Therefore, I must wait until after that happens. Life is a crazy thing, and I like it. I just don't want to get caught up, which is where I'm headed. Therefore, I want to stop. Just for a little while. I can't believe I'm saying this, but whatever.

I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable with everything that's happening. I don't know why, but the feeling is definitely there. I'm getting uncomfortable.

Whatever, I just want to move into my dorm room already. Brianna is at orientation, and mine is a month away. I want to get this all over with so I can lie in my bed whenever I like and say whatever my mind desires. I hate lying.

"No pleasure is a bad thing in itself"
-EPICURUS, I feel ya'.

They pick me up when I'm feeling blue

2008-06-29T14:45:25Z

That party was exactly right. That party was insane. That party was one hundred percent what I needed and what I will be experiencing this summer. That party was Zeckie, Alex, Mickey, Charlie. That party was blown to the heavens. Life.

Also, Spain is going to win Germany today. That's my bet. Maybe it's the wrong one. Germany is a great team, but I'm counting on Spain.

Whatever, I hope there's a party like that every day for the rest of my life, and I really hope that I see those kids again.

Harmonica voices

2008-06-28T14:31:37Z

I've had this journal for a while now. I've written some crazy shit in here. I've been a stupid little girl and written about it, I've matured and grown up and written about it. Well yesterday I was sitting on the train and thinking about how much I love train rides. There were three people in the car, including myself. It was beautiful, and was as if the energy was running through us and we were all thinking the same thing. I went to the concert yesterday even though I didn't really want to. Good thing I did. I missed Kyle dearly. I missed smoking weed with anyone besides the usual suspects. My life is so much freer than I thought it was back in the day. I'm happy to be able to say that.

Anyway, college is starting in a surprising 53 days and orientation is in a simple 30. This means that time is going to pass quickly. However, there is so much that I can fit into 53 days. 53 days is enough to do more than I could ever imagine or even think about. In the next week, I will have more experiences than I have had in the past month. Is it true? I guess I'll find out. That's what's wonderful.

I have a picture of New Paltz as my desktop background. Every time I power up my computer, I smile.

Kyle wants to trip acid with me because he says that he's heard I'm a great tripper.
I don't know if I will ever be the same person I was. I wonder if I'll die earlier than I should. I think that I am in love with being so young.

Also, Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash:

Your own, personal, Jesus
someone to hear your prayers,
someone who cares

Your own, personal, Jesus
someone to hear your prayers,
someone who's there

Feeling unknown and you're all alone,
flesh and bone by the telephone,
lift up the receiver,
i'll make you a believer

Take second best,
put me to the test,
things on your chest,
you need to confess,
i will deliver,
you know i'm a forgiver

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

Your own, personal, Jesus
someone to hear your prayers,
someone who cares

Your own, personal, Jesus
someone to hear your prayers,
someone to care

Feeling unknown and you're all alone,
flesh and bone by the telephone,
lift up the receiver,
i'll make you a believer
i will deliver, you know i'm a forgiver

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

Soldiers on the front line

2008-06-26T21:40:45Z

Beautiful. Life is beautiful. I'm okay with being a crazy kid this summer. It's been happening so far and has being suiting me well. Although I get "am I going to die?" scares almost once a week, it's worth it. My life is mine, and it is wonderful.

I am still exhausted from yesterday. Good thing I didn't take any sticks before my graduation this morning, which was a complete waste of time. I almost fell asleep. I was able to buy my new gauge though, which means I'll be heading to a six sometime next week. I've been wearing the smaller one for too long since it fell out.

Whatever, this summer is going to be so wild. I hope I don't cause any pain.

silverdecade @ 2008-06-25T15:05:00

2008-06-25T19:07:43Z

Oh my god, I didn't think I could actually be walking right now. Wtf. Wow.

Someone's watching me!

2008-06-22T16:14:49Z

So you wanna be a rap superstar
And live large
A big house, 5 cars
The rent charged
Comin up in the world don't trust nobody
Gotta look over your shoulder constantly

Anyway, I hang out with angels. I chill with angels. I get high with angels. I get helped up by angels. I get walked back by angels. I get drunk with angels. I trip out with angels. I have philosophical conversations with angels. I find out more of who I am because of my angels. I hang out with angels.

I am happy. I am truly, one hundred percent, fully and honestly happy.